How to Manage "Executive Loneliness"

Context

Most executives I know feel intense feelings of loneliness.

They think this is their fault. 

It is not. 

Feeling lonely is a natural part of leadership. 

Only you will:

• be able to make the hardest decisions, 

• carry the full responsibility,

• have to role model leadership.

What's worse, your employees will have difficulty separating from you as ‘a person’ and you as ‘their boss.’ 

This increases the gap. 

Before sharing tips for a better relationship with executive loneliness, here is a little story:

Even enlightened monks get lonely…

Story

The Japanese poet and monk Ryōkan decided to live a life of seclusion. 

Following his enlightenment, the world lay open:

Ryōkan could have headed the most important monasteries in Japan.   

He decided against it.

He chose to live the life of a beggar. 

Ryōkan spent his time observing nature, writing poetry, and playing with kids in a forsaken hut in the forest. 

But despite his accomplished spiritual training 

… or because of it…

Ryōkan observed his loneliness and fused it in words:

Ryokan became a voice of loneliness. 

Reading him, I learned that we can embrace loneliness. 

And that we can speak or write about it to connect with our shared humanity. 

We need to speak about loneliness. Because you probably feel it and blame yourself for it. 

4 Steps to Better Manage “Executive Loneliness”

a) Loneliness is what makes us human. 

The more sensitive we become, the more we notice the shades of our loneliness. 

→ Notice that being aware of loneliness also shows your rising sensitivity.

b) Loneliness includes shame.

The feeling of loneliness includes a sense of shame. This feeling of being ashamed makes it more difficult to talk about it. 

→ Notice how feeling “shame” makes it more difficult to talk about it. 

c) We think that loneliness is our fault.

Our society perpetuates the idea that being and feeling lonely is your fault. Nothing could be further from the truth.

→ Realize that the reason you might not talk about it is because you blame yourself.

d) Sharing loneliness makes everything easier.

Once you share your feelings with someone, you will a) feel seen and b) make it easier for others to be vulnerable.

→ Sharing when you feel lonely helps yourself and others.

Summary

Here are steps to embrace executive loneliness: 

→ Notice that being aware of loneliness shows your rising sensitivity.

→ Notice how feeling “shame” makes it more difficult to talk about it. 

→ Realize that the reason you don’t speak up is a “wrong” notion that it is your fault.

→ Sharing when you feel lonely helps yourself and others.

Go gently.

Each step moves you toward a healthier relationship with "Executive Loneliness."  

The executives I have coached to turn towards, accept, and befriend the loneliness they sometimes fear see a massive improvement in their quality of work soon after.

What helps you in embracing loneliness?

I’ll see you next week,

Nikolas Konstantin

P.S. Want more…

The Yearly Reflection Space for Leaders: The Wise Leadership Retreat

I've opened applications for my 2024 "Wise Leadership Retreat.“ It will take place 28. May - 02. June this year.

What you can expect:

1. Opening workshop on Wise Leadership to gain clarity on your values and goals.

2. Three days of silent meditation training to radically enhance creativity and skills of awareness.

3. Nourishing meals, sauna, and beautiful surrounding lake and nature.

4. Connecting with like-minded leaders facing similar challenges.

5. Closing workshop to harvest new skills and insights for lasting growth.

You could be eligible if you:

• 5 + years of leadership experience

• have an ongoing reflection practice (coaching, therapy)

• have a meditation practice

If you think you are eligible, apply here

Training the Theory and Art of Meditation: A Beautiful Mind Course

You asked me if I could pack the meditations and lessons of my retreat into a portable format.

Here is my clumsy attempt at distilling the feeling, models, and mental training into something that could work for the online world.

If you want to train your mind but also want to understand the theory from science and meditation traditions, this one is for you:

So far, I have included The Guide to the 3 Styles of Meditation E-Book, 4 hours of theory, 10 + Meditations & Retreat Mode (create your own silent retreat with my retreat recordings). Join and let me know what to record next.

The Best of Management and Leadership: Founder Playbooks

As a founder coach, I scan the best of leadership literature, Harvard Business Review, and mindfulness so you can focus on what matters most—building a thriving organization.

Some of that theory makes it into my library, featuring the best management and leadership theory. So far, I have made those "Founder Playbooks" only accessible to my coachees. Join the club and tell me what I should write about next.